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Out With the Old

Think back to a situation where you felt resentful. Or think back to the last time your heart was broken. The next time you encounter a similar situation, will you be free to act in a way you choose, or will you be protecting yourself? If you are like most people, you will try to protect yourself because of the past hurt. In doing this you will prevent yourself from being fully present, and may miss many opportunities to truly connect.

Completing the past is vitally important. If you do not, you will be carrying old pain into present and future relationships. This is will make most relationships difficult or prevent them from forming at all.

Being complete, letting go of the past, is two fold. First, when faced with a situation similar to the one that causes you pain or resentment, you are free to choose your actions rather than being run by fear of pain. Second, you no longer have an emotional reaction in looking back on the hurtful situations.

Can you see why it is vital that you become complete with the past if you are to build your ideal relationship?

Here are 10 suggestions on what to do to get complete with any past hurt or resentment. These are not in any set order. Pick a few that will work for you and use them until you are complete.

1. Write letters.

Write letters to the person you feel resentful towards or feel hurt about. Freely say everything you want to say. Write as many times as necessary to feel complete. Do not send these letters, but instead do something with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the painful feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell your story.

Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend or advisor. Make sure that the person listening gives no advise and makes no comments to dispute your feelings, but instead allows you to talk and listens attentively.

3. Talk to the right person.

Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this only if you are sure that the person will be able to listen to you in the same way as in #2. If you do have this conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.

4. Imagine

Imagine yourself in the same room as the person with whom you have the incompletion. Imagine them attentively listening to you while you say everything you need to say. Repeat this process many times until you are done.

5. Role Play

Ask a trusted friend to role-play the hurtful situation with you. Have them role-play the other person and the exact situation. Respond how you wish you would have responded. Repeat the role-play, this time have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing you pain. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine

Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result of the pain ? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you learn as a result of the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation, pain, resentment, anger and the other person.

7. Pray

If you pray, say the following prayer for at least a month and perhaps longer, until you feel complete: "Dear (deity of your choice), please remove the resentment/anger/pain I am feeling towards/about (name). Please give (name) as much joy, prosperity, love, etc. as I want for myself."

8. Perform a ritual

If you know about rituals, design one for yourself that marks the completion of the relationship, the hurt or the pain. Make sure that you do something physical to symbolize that you are now letting go of the past and are ready to move freely into the present. Repeat until complete.

9. Repair the damage

Actively repair the damage that was caused to you. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, love, etc. that you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support that you needed and did not get. (Yes, it's ok to request to be treated in exactly the way you need in order to heal)

10. Talk to the spirit of the person

Sometimes our relationships go so wrong, so much hurt is created, that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, have conversations with the person's spirit. Where they may not be able to hear you, you know their spirit will. Recreate the suggestion #4, but talk to the person's spirit rather than to the actual person.

When you let go of past hurts and resentments an unimaginable field of possibilities will open up for you. You will be free from your past. You will be free to form bonds and interact with people based on the essence and the beauty of who you are. You will be able to see their essence and beauty. From that freedom you will be able to create your ideal relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

"Copyright Rinatta Paries, 1998-01. This article was originally published  by Coach Rinatta Paries in The Relationship Coach Newsletter, designed to inspire, educate and coach both singles and couples in attracting and sustaining healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships. To have this weekly e-zine delivered to your e-mail, subscribe at www.WhatItTakes.com."

Top Ten Breakup Songs (Brought to you courtesy of: Breakup-Songs.com)

1. Even Now - Barry Manilow
2. One Last Cry - Brian McKnight
3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
4. Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
5. Don't Speak - No Doubt
6. You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks
7. Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill
8. Still - Brian McKnight
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
10. I Would've Loved You Anyway - Trisha Yearwood

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