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How to Complete the Past: Part III
(c) by Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)"

The first step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by dropping baggage from your past. Baggage here refers to resentments, hurts and fears towards anyone who was either a role model or participated directly in a relationship with you. Some people carry their hurts, resentments and fear as badges of honor. Others learn from them as if they were undisputable life lessons.

They are neither. They are byproducts of unfortunate situations and become your baggage. The sooner you can truly let go of this baggage, the less likely you are to recreate bad situations.

Dropping such baggage is what will be termed completion.

Right now, checking in with your feelings, make a list of all people and situations you need to complete. We will come back to this list.

The first thing you need to do to get complete is to feel all of your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be.

Part II

The second thing you need to get complete is get into action. Pick a few action steps below and repeat them until you are complete.

The time it takes to get to genuine completion will vary from person to person and situation to situation. Sometimes completion happens over time - we may have to complete, forgive, let go, communicate in stages, sometimes over years. Being attuned to your emotions will tell you if that is the case for you. Try to remember that as long as you are taking action, you are doing it right.

Here are 10 action steps to get complete with the past. Use these action steps on the list of incompletions you created earlier.

1. Write letters.

Write letters to the person(s) you feel resentful towards, feel hurt about or are still attached to.  Freely say everything you want to say and write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions. Do not send these letters, but instead do something with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell your story.

Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend, advisor or your journal. Make sure you and the other person listening do not edit or judge what you say or write, give no advise and make no comments to dispute your feelings. Your job is to communicate and be listened to attentively.

3. Talk to the right person.

Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this only if you are sure the person will be able to listen to you in the same way as in #2. If you do have this conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.

4. Imagine talking to the right person.

If the conversation in #3 above is not feasible, have this conversation in your imagination. Give the conversation as much time and undivided attention as you would give a real conversation. This works best as a closed eye meditation/visualization.

5. Role Play

Ask a trusted friend to role-play the incomplete situation with you or imagine being back in the situation. Use the role play to act out how you wish you had responded. Repeat the role play or imagine again, but this time have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing the incompletion. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine

Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience?  What did you learn as a result of the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation and the other person.

7. Own what happened.

Take responsibility for it and figure out how to prevent a similar situation from happening again. Answer the following questions at length in your journal How did you contribute to the situation, specifically? What motivated you? What  did you ignore or not communicate? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures?

8. Create completion by understanding.

Look at the other's motivations. You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand. Answer the following questions at length in your journal What made his/her actions inevitable? Did he/she have a true choice? What would have had to be different in order for his/her actions to be different?

9. Repair the damage or loss.

Actively repair the damage or loss. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, love, etc.you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you needed and did not get.

10. Talk to the spirit of the person.

Sometimes our relationships go so wrong, so much hurt is created, that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, imagine having a conversation with the person's spirit, attentively listening while you say everything you need to say. Even when the person may not be able to hear you, their spirit always will. Repeat this process until you are complete.

Having taken these steps enough times you will arrive at completion and will be ready to move on to discovering your relationship patterns and ultimately attracting your ideal Mr. or Ms. Right.

Weekly Coaching Challenge

Set aside two hours this week to do one or two exercises above. Mark this time of in your day planner, in red pen, and don't give it up no matter what else tries to steal that time from you. Do the exercises on one person or situation from your list of incompletions. Write to Coach@WhatItTakes.com with what you learn and experience as a result of this coaching challenge.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

1. Even Now - Barry Manilow
2. One Last Cry - Brian McKnight
3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
4. Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
5. Don't Speak - No Doubt
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7. Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill
8. Still - Brian McKnight
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
10. I Would've Loved You Anyway - Trisha Yearwood

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