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What a weekend. A little emotional for me, but a good rollicking time for reflection too.

I've learned a few things.

If the pain is consistently greater than the joy, it's time to evaluate why you would want to continue in the pain.

If he hates his mother--run.

If you both blame you for the problems--it's not just you.

If you pour yourself in, give 100%, get nothing back and wonder why--forget his issues and focus on yours. A friend of mine defines co-dependency perfectly--giving a gallon and getting a thimblefull.

Obsession is not love. Jealousy is not love. If you hold onto someone no matter the cost, and believe that they alone can fulfill your dreams of happiness and make your life right--the relationship is toxic and it's time to examine you and not the other person.

No relationship is worth your self-respect.

If you think he needs "fixing" fix you instead.

If someone rejects you repeatedly, and instead of letting go you hold on tighter--think obsession--think toxic. Obsessive love is a contradiction in terms.

SOme people just can't accept love. No matter what you do, it isn't enough. Define your boundaries and know when to walk away.

All the red flags are there from the very first interaction. Neediness, denial, dysfunction is like a blanket that we throw over the knowledge that this person is NOT good for us. Mutual dysfunctions are like a lock and key--they attract us to another in a powerful way.

If someone cannot love himself he cannot love you.

If someone needs another to validate his existence, his motivation is not love. His motivation is selfishness and having his own needs met.

Being alone is healthy. Wanting some with you so you don't have to be alone is unhealthy. SOmetimes it is very difficult to differentiate between being alone and lonely.

Indifference is the opposite of love.

People can only give you what they have.

Denial is seductive, feels good, and ultimately stabs you in the back.

If he comes on too strong in the beginning, let it be a huge red flag. There is more going on that infatuation.

No one can fix you but you. Love can't take away your emptiness. Love can't make you love yourself. Love won't make you whole.

You can't change someone by loving them. If you believe that you can cause someone to love you by loving them "a little bit more," you betray yourself.

Pay attention to a history of infidelity and broken relationships.

We attribute a whole lot of pain and hurt to love, when it isn't love at all. We accept disrespect in the name of "love." We allow others to walk over us, take advantage of us, use us, and then spit us out. I guess I'm learning that love shouldn't hurt more than it heals. I'm learning to recognize my triggers and dysfunctions so that I can identify them in others. I'm learning that I don't need a relationship to be happy, and that no one else is responsible for my needs or my happiness. I'm learning to take responsibility for making my life content and peaceful, and I'm learning that peace should be the outcome of loving someone--not constant chaos.

I didn't want to learn these lessons in the beginning. All I wanted was the "security" of my ex back with me. I wanted to cling to my own denial and live in my fantasy world. It was all a distraction for me, so that I didn't have to face myself. I'm carving myself out again, but this time I'm using expensive materials.

My ex ran right into a marriage. I used to feel as if he had "won" the game. Now I realize that any relationship he is in is just an excuse to not have to face himself. It's a diversion. I'm beginning to understand just how damaged my ex is, and this helps me to let go. The healthier I get, the more pity I have for him. I'm starting to understand that even though he is with someone else, and believes himself to be happy, that it is me who will find happiness in the long run.

Facing yourself isn't easy, but it is the only way to stop the pattern of destructive relationships. It's damn hard work. I'm tired.

love you guys

Top Ten Breakup Songs (Brought to you courtesy of: Breakup-Songs.com)

1. Even Now - Barry Manilow
2. One Last Cry - Brian McKnight
3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
4. Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
5. Don't Speak - No Doubt
6. You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks
7. Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill
8. Still - Brian McKnight
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
10. I Would've Loved You Anyway - Trisha Yearwood

Top Five Breakup Books

1. How to Get Over a Breakup
2. How to STOP a Breakup and Win Your Ex Back
3. And the Frog Shit on the Princess (for women only!)
4. Exes are from Uranus (for men only!)
5. Save Your Marriage

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