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ABC Guide to Ex-Girlfriends

A is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter.

Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later.

She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped.

Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.

Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.

That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun.

And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.

Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her.

Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim.

This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love.

It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic.

Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles.

That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac.

She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top.

When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill.

She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter.

She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch.

She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab.

Stabbing would be fun.

S is also for Steve.

Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for torture.

Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs.

U is for Understatement.

Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous.

That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine.

Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to fuck. But after too much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone.

Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck!

Remember when she yelled that at you.

. stands for period.

Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

~Author Unknown

1. Even Now - Barry Manilow
2. One Last Cry - Brian McKnight
3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
4. Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
5. Don't Speak - No Doubt
6. You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks
7. Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill
8. Still - Brian McKnight
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
10. I Would've Loved You Anyway - Trisha Yearwood

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4. Exes are from Uranus (for men only!)
5. Save Your Marriage

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